The Mask: When Responsibility is Refused

Masks aren’t always malicious.
Sometimes they’re shields,
worn by people who cannot face their own reflection.

Lately I’ve been wrestling with the difficulty of watching someone refuse to take responsibility. Not because they’re evil or cruel, but because it was simply too much for them to bear.

Psychologists often remind us that denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms — a way the mind protects itself from shame, guilt, or pain (American Psychological Association). When someone denies what happened, or refuses to admit the impact of their actions, it may not be about deception. It may be about survival.

That doesn’t make it easier for the one on the receiving end. Their refusal can leave you feeling dismissed, unseen, even distorted. And it can cause deep confusion, especially if you’re someone who leads with empathy.

The challenge is to hold both truths:

• Their struggle is real. They may not yet have the capacity to own what happened.
• Your experience is real too. Their denial does not erase the impact on you.

Researchers in relational psychology also note that responsibility is key to trust repair (Gottman Institute). When it’s missing, the relationship stalls. That doesn’t mean the person is irredeemable — but it does mean you need to ground yourself in what you know to be true.

For me, this has been the lesson: I don’t need to vilify the person hiding behind the mask. I can honor that they are on their own journey. But I also don’t need to carry the weight of their denial. My clarity, my self-trust, is mine to protect.

Ritual Invitation

Write down one fact — something that happened that you know is true.
Say it out loud: “This is real. I can trust what I witnessed.”
Fold the paper and place it in a safe place, a reminder that your clarity is grounded in reality, not in someone else’s refusal.

Your Turn

Have you ever been in a situation where someone couldn’t take responsibility, even if they meant well?
How did you protect your own clarity without hardening your heart?
Share a few lines below — your story may give someone else perspective.